The Riot Women

Our CEO, Sally Ferris, reflects on The Riot Women, Sally Wainwright’s powerful new drama, and how it highlights the everyday realities faced by women caring for loved ones with dementia.

BBC’s The Riot Women tells the story of a group of midlife women navigating work, family, and caring responsibilities, a reality that feels very familiar to many of the families we support at Together Dementia Support. It’s unashamedly feminist, funny, and heartbreakingly real in how it captures the struggles and strength of women who care.

Well done to Sally Wainwright for her unashamedly feminist story about the lives of a group of mature women, three of whom juggle work with caring for a relative with dementia.

In the first episode, we meet Beth, who is so low she wants to opt out, to take her own life. She has conscientiously put everything in place for her elderly mother, who has advanced dementia. She’s sold her mum’s house and found her a really good (if expensive) care home - much to her brother’s consternation! He’s appalled to see his inheritance disappearing and thinks there must have been a cheaper option. Couldn’t the NHS have helped? If only!

He wonders what ordinary people do in this situation, to which Beth retorts:

“We are ordinary people! They sell their houses, spend their savings, give up their careers, and do it themselves; that’s what ordinary people do.”

I want to shout that from the rooftops of the Houses of Parliament because yes, this is what many ordinary people, mostly women, do (though well done to the wonderful men who are diligent carers, too).

There are so many different caring relationships. If it’s your life partner who needs care, you might not even hesitate to provide intimate support. Whereas with an elderly parent, there can be more of a choice about how much responsibility to take on. You might stand back for a while, hoping a sibling will step in. You might negotiate, even argue, about who should do what. Work commitments, distance, temperament, inexperience, or even plain revulsion are all reasons some adult children give for opting out - leaving others, often just one sibling, to shoulder the caring role.

And these wonderful, self-sacrificing women take on all the responsibilities that belong to both the family and the state. The care of children is shared between parents and schools, whereas the care of adults is largely left to families. Only when all else fails does the state step in, and even then, it often provides only the bare necessities.

Many women caring for parents see it as a privilege, a way to give back, to maintain their parents’ dignity and personhood to the very end. The more they do it, the more intertwined their lives become. Their commitment deepens; they become the life-sustainer, the one who can always be relied on. And slowly, their own identity begins to fade as it becomes subsumed into their parents'.

While I applaud these carers, I can’t help but feel anger at the excuses of those who opt out, and frustration that the services simply aren’t there to share the load, to offer respite, financial support, or expert information that could prevent burnout, breakdown, and women dropping out of the workforce.

So thank you, Sally, for shining a light on the ordinary women who become Riot Women, singing about their lived experiences. Perhaps more of us should band together to protest. And perhaps one day, caring for ageing parents will finally get the status and respect it so richly deserves.